Ask These 5 Questions When Visiting a Church With Kids

When looking for a new church, many parents are concerned about finding one with a “good” kids’ ministry. Overall, children’s ministry programming plays a relatively minor role in the development of life-long faith. Things like faith practice in the home, relational connection with other believers, serving and helping others, and belonging to a community of faith are some of the most common. This means that, for parents who want to help their children cultivate lifelong faith, choosing a church with an attractive or well-organized ministry or even one with “rigorous” content might not bear the fruit they are hoping for.

Content and Context

The implicit experience of children in the church shapes them far more than the explicit. That means how children experience church will shape them more than the content they “learn” in church. Pause for a moment and reflect on your high school experience. It’s likely that rather than being flooded with a string of facts you learned; you remember what it was like to be in high school. The Christian life is not something we learn by rote memorization. It’s formed in us by the power of the Holy Spirit in the comings and goings of our daily lives. While content certainly does matter in this process, it is not the only thing that shapes us. Your child’s church experience will have much to do with how they engage their faith, both as children and throughout their lives. Considering what matters for kids’ faith formation, here are five questions you can ask when you visit a church.

1. What does this church believe about children?

Paying attention to how the children’s ministry at a church is set up will help you discern how children are viewed in the church system as a whole. This will be incredibly important to your child’s experience of church. The bare minimum standard ought to be that children are treated like people who are capable of knowing and loving God as children.  If you get any inkling that it’s a church “for adults” that provides childcare for children, it is likely your child will pick up on this message as well.

Early faith grows through experiences of belonging and shared identity and practice. If children feel “on the outside” of a community of faith, they might have fun participating in activities, but it will be difficult for them to develop a healthy, growing faith.

Look at the language used on the website to talk about children and the kinds of training they provide volunteers. Pay attention to how leaders in the church speak to and treat children, look at how space is allocated and maintained, and note how pastors and other leaders in the church interact with your children or with the other children of the church.

2. How does this church protect children?

Children are a vulnerable population served by the church. Experiences children have in the church can have a lasting impact on their lives–emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. Churches must take responsibility for protecting children seriously and have clear policies and procedures in place to ensure their safety.

Ask to see your church’s child protection policies and learn about how they were developed and how often they’re reviewed.

3. What role do children play in the congregation?

The most important factor in determining faith longevity after high school is establishing relationships with five adults other than parents with deep faith. It is common for youth ministries to cite this statistic, but these relationships could begin to be established when children are young.

As you learn how the church functions, look for the places where intergenerational relationships could happen, like shared meals or other church-wide times of being together socially. Pay attention to how children are included in the church beyond the children’s or family ministries. Look for children serving or leading in the church, and whether their voices or perspectives are included in the decision-making process. A simple question that can help you notice these things would be, “How would this church be different if there were no children here?”

4. Does this church produce growing Christians?

Identify what is essential to your family’s ongoing, holistic spiritual growth, and be on the lookout for clues that help you discern what the church is doing to provide for the growth of everyone, but children in particular.

What capacity are children expected to have for faith? How do volunteers, leaders, and pastors engage faith with children, if at all? Are they aware of how children learn and their natural ways of being in the world? What role does the Bible play in the life of the church and in discipleship? Have leaders been thoughtful in their choice of curriculum and resources? Are people encouraged to grow holistically through spiritual practices like worship, evangelism, service, learning, and fellowship? What parts of the Christian life does this church emphasize, and is that a conscious decision?

5. How does this church view parents?

Proportionately, children spend far more time at home than at church. Churches must equip, train, and support parents to nurture their children’s faith in their homes. You should expect the church to see and view parents as the primary disciples of children and pay attention to how the church partners with parents toward this goal.  Some things to watch for: adult programs are accessible to parents, and everyone in the church sees the children as their responsibility, to some degree.

It is also essential to reflect on God’s work in your own family and to look for a church where there seems to be a sense of resonance or connection between what God is doing in the church and with your family.  Belonging is so important–feeling like your family has something to contribute and can experience belonging and care is very important.

Involve your children

Take time finding a church. It’s okay to consider your family’s needs and what will work for you, in fact, you should. Reading through and discussing these questions might help you clarify further what is particularly important to you. As you ask and observe to answer these questions, pray about how to engage with the church and involve your child in the conversation. Ask your children to share their impressions of the church with you. Ask them what matters to them. Looking for a church together can be an important season of spiritual conversations.

Questions like these can help you invite your child to share their opinions about church:

Check out our podcast episode What really matters for kids faith? where we discuss this topic with the Executive Director of the Center for Faith and Children, Dr. Mimi Larson.